|Season 13, Episode 3|
|Air date||October 19, 2008|
|Written by||Jerry Collins|
|Directed by||Kyounghee Lim|
Earthly Girls are Easy
Lost in MySpace
Square-Footed Monster is the third episode in the 13th season of King of the Hill, and the 238th episode overall. It originally aired on October 19, 2008.
After the death of Bill's next-door neighbor Dottie Dwyer, Hank and the guys are recruited by Dottie's nephew to help fix up her house and make it market-ready. Within a day of completing the necessary repairs the house is sold, to the satisfaction of the guys. Their short-lived satisfaction turns to shock, however, when demolition crews move in on the house first thing the following morning, and they discover that Ted Wassanasong, having been informed of the property through flyers posted around the Nine Rivers Country Club by Kahn, is behind the demolition. To their further dismay, Ted reveals his plans to erect a 'dream home' on the lot, in the form of an oversized, excessively fancy residence (and to Kahn's consternation, he has no intent to live there himself, but is instead building to sell.)
The balance of the neighborhood is greatly upset by the building of the new home, as construction crews disrupt the peace with their 6AM activity, dust and fumes, and crude manners. Seeking to end the disruption, Hank and the guys head to Arlen's town hall to appeal to the zoning board, but to no avail. When they resort to starting a petition, the town clerk drops the name of Edgar Hornsby as an expert in legal loopholes. Though Hornsby himself wishes to help, he is unable to find anything of use in halting the construction. The completion of the home does not improve things, either: the building is horribly incongruous in both size and style with the rest of the neighborhood, and the shadows from the massive house block out the sun in adjacent yards, including the Hills'.
One night a severe storm rolls in, and the McMansion's shoddy workmanship and flimsy materials are no match for the strong winds. The building sways back and forth as pieces of it break off and slam into neighboring houses, and eventually it sways far enough to begin crushing part of Bill's house. Realizing what must be done, the residents of Rainey Street use every tool they have at hand (including Lucky's truck) to manually tear the house down before it does any more damage to their own homes. The next morning Ted comes by to inspect the damage, and, finding evidence of damage from tools, takes the neighborhood to court. Thanks to film footage of the initial storm damage from Nancy and expert testimony from Edgar Hornsby, the judge rules that Hank and the others acted justifiably. However, Ted subsequently uses an eminent domain clause to sell the lot to the city, and coldly informs Hank and the guys that the neighborhood will soon have a new (and equally incongruous) electrical substation. Using another Hornsby loophole, though, the guys build a façade around the substation to make it look from the street like another normal house once again stands in the lot.
- Title: Probably an allusion to the concept of the Monster Home which has different local derogatory names. Monster homes are generally quite a lot larger than the typical home in an established neighborhood and tend to ignore the customary architecture as well. Many, though not all, are built with an eye to fast profit and are of substandard quality with a very impractical layout, looking impressive from the outside but having silly features inside like small rooms with no obvious purpose. Otherwise known as the McMansion built on mass produced parts or in an assembly line fashion.
- Bill is shown eating Baron Von Appleberry cereal, and owning boxes of Count Crispula, Captain Yummy Puff (with Great Piratey Taste), and Mr. Turtlebee's Sugar Shells, the latter of which features a Win a Breakfast With Chuck Mangione contest on the back of the box.
- After Luanne tied the chain around the pillar of Ted's home, Lucky used his truck [with the chain attached to his truck] to the dismantle the home. This following scene shows Luanne moving away from the falling pillar, but as she ran to safety, the pillar appeared to have hit her right leg. However, she remained unharmed as if she was never hit.
- After Ted takes Hank and the rest of Rainey Street to court Hank is seen presenting pieces of evidence to a jury. In Civil Court Cases however there is no jury.
- The seller of the home assumed Hank, Bill, Dale, and Boomhauer were Mexican and didn't speak English even though they are all clearly white Americans.
- Chris Elliott guest stars for the third time in the series. His first two appearances are as Rob Holguin in the Season 8 episode After the Mold Rush and as Chris Sizemore throughout Season 12.
- (Ted has just sold the lot to the city, who has made it into a power station)
Kahn: "This is terrible! Thought I was gonna live next to a powerful man. Now I just live next to power."
Bill: "It's not all bad. At least we'll get fresh electricity."
Lucky: "I know it's ugly, but living next door to a power station means our baby will probably grow up to have super powers."
Luanne: "And that will come in handy. Lucky's always getting pinned under cars."
- Dale: "Hank is stinking up the place with all his boring facts and figures. People want damning evidence and courtroom drama. He needs to throw a briefcase like Mr. Brady. Something."
Lucky: "Now is the time the late, great, gay Perry Mason would spring a surprise witness."
Dale: "Yes, a surprise witness."
- Bill: "I miss the sun. I'm tired a lot because my body thinks it's always night."
Luanne: "Well, I like it. I feel like we fell down a hole into a fairy tale, and now we live next to a beautiful castle."
Hank: "I can't tell if the burgers are done, because there's a got-dang turret shadow across my grill."
- Peggy: "Last time I shaved my legs, this house didn't even have a second floor."
- Bill: "Devil House! First you took my daylight, now you want my blood?"
- Bill, about Ted Wassanasong: "Looking at him is like listening to smooth jazz."
Tagline: "Woo wooo wooo wooo.. wee ohhh... wee ohhh!" - Lucky (playing air guitar and making a whammy bar sound.)