|Season 7, Episode 13|
|Air date||February 16, 2003|
|Written by||Jonathan Collier|
|Directed by||Dominic Polcino|
In the alley, Hank and his friends chastise Boomhauer for throwing his support to the long-suffering Dallas Cowboys. When Dale counters that rooting for the Texans doesn’t mean they have to stop rooting for the Cowboys, Hank tells Peggy he’s driving to Houston to watch the Texans in training. Peggy counters that she has reservations at a chef’s table for Saturday night, and accuses Hank of making plans without consulting her first. Peggy voices her frustration to Nancy, who suggests the services of “life coach” Dr. Tim Rast. Peggy mentions couples counseling to Hank, who, in turn, mentions the idea to his buddies. Dale mentions Rast’s name, insisting he always takes the man’s side in any argument. Intrigued, Hank attends one of Rast’s sessions, only to realize, to his horror, that Rast isn’t taking his side in the disagreement. Rast hands Hank a pink magic wand and asks him what he’d like to change about Peggy. When a fight erupts between Hank and Peggy over control of the wand, Rast diagnoses the problem as a control issue. He asks Hank and Peggy what they intend to do when they retire. Hank describes their plans to go across country on motorcycles. Rast tells them to buy one motorcycle and share it as equal partners. Hank and Peggy decide to follow his advice. Hank and Peggy eventually settle on a Harley-Davidson. Meanwhile, Dale takes Rast’s drawing of a “treasure map”—which was used to illustrate a metaphor about finding the key to eternal happiness—literally, and attempts to find the treasure he’s certain is buried near his house. But the only treasure he finds is a dead cat. Later, Hank and Peggy return to the Harley-Davidson store to shop for accessories. They encounter Lumpy and Pepperoni Sue, a biker couple with a disdain for Rubbies—Rich Urban Bikers. They are on their way to South Dakota for a marriage recommitment ceremony. Hank and Peggy are intrigued by their description of Biker Week in Sturgis, which is attended by hundreds of thousands of riders. Peggy and Hank leave Bobby in Cotton’s care, then head out on the road. At first, all is bliss. But when Peggy expresses an interest in driving, Hank resists, insisting he’s not tired. As time passes, Peggy’s mood sours. Hank insists that anyone who rides in the rear is in the “bitch seat,” and takes it as a threat to his masculinity. When they get into an argument, Hank calls Peggy a “Rubbie.” Peggy is deeply offended. So much so that she refuses to put her arms around him. When Hank pulls away on the bike, Peggy topples off the seat and rolls into a ditch. When they reach Sturgis, Peggy announces she’s taking a bus back home. Shortly thereafter, a drunken man on a motorized bar stool runs into Hank, breaking his glasses. Hank takes his glasses to a jeweler’s shop, but the glasses are too badly damaged to be repaired. Hank realizes that Lumpy and Pepperoni Sue are standing at a nearby display case looking at rings. When Hank mentions his problems with Peggy, the couple credits the success of their marriage to having boundaries. Pepperoni Sue then starts to lift her shirt, but Hank backs away. Hank pushes the Harley to the bus station, where he tells Peggy about his broken glasses. Peggy convinces Hank that it makes more sense for her to drive back to Arlen with him riding behind her. Hank gives in, and the two enjoy a romantic, relaxed ride back home.
Goof: When Hank has a Houston Texans hat on, the colors on the logo are backwards, the blue is on the left with the star while the red is on the right.
The song playing at the end of the episode is "Roll On Down The Highway" by Bachman Turner Overdrive.
- Pepperoni Sue: "If you want to get us a gift, we're also registered at the liquor store."
- Hank: "It just doesn't work that way with biker couples. Lumpy and Pepperoni Sue have a great relationship, and she never rides up front. In fact, the spot behind the driver is called the...er...'bitch seat'."
Peggy: "What? So then that makes me a --"
Hank: "No! It's a motorcycle term, I don't even think it's spelled the same."
- Peggy: "All right, Hank, Kansas is mine! I'm gonna tear this state a new one!"
Hank: "Maybe we should switch off after Kansas. I wouldn't want you to miss out on all that wheat."
- Peggy: "Live to ride and ride to live, you dumb cows!"
- Hank: "Whenever we go to the hardware store, she gets to give me a twenty-minute hug, and I get to go to the hardware store."
- Hank: "We're going to buy his and hers motorcycles and see America, excluding California."
Doctor: "Tell me more."
Hank: "What more is there? The freedom of the open road and such, all the maintenance a guy could ask..."
Peggy: "Collecting spoons from every state capital, meeting colorful characters like truck-stop waitresses and corrupt local sheriffs..."
- Peggy: "Maybe I'll just take Bobby!"
Peggy: "Bobby, I'm not taking you, I'm just trying to get back at your father."
- Dale: "I guess if we root for the Texans, it wouldn't mean we'd have to root against the Cowboys."
Hank: "Well, they are in different conferences, so it would only be a problem if they played in the Super Bowl. An all-Texas Super Bowl! His will be done!"
- Bobby: "I can't believe you guys bought a motorcycle! Evil Knevil had a Harley, and a cape, and a jeweled walking stick!"
Hank: "It was a cane, and it was because he had a crushed pelvis."
Bobby: "And a cape!"
- (Peggy and Hank are at couple's therapy)
Peggy: "Now, I have solved the family's emotional crises up til now, so I hope you don't mind if I take notes."
Doctor: (writing in his notebook) "Mm-hmmm."
Peggy: (writing in her notebook) "Mm-hmmmmm".
- (Nancy and Dale are at couple's therapy)
Nancy: "Even his elbows are nicotine stained, he refuses to acknowledge he's bald, and he sobs uncontrollably after sex."
Doctor: "Well, crying can be a healthy release."
Dale: "Thanks, doctor."
Tagline: "He had a crushed pelvis." - Hank
"And a cape!" - Bobby
- Easy Rider
The title is a parody of the 1969 movie Easy Rider in which two rebel bikers ride cross-country from Los Angeles to New Orleans for Mardi Gras and experience "America" on the way.