|Dang Ol' Love|
|Season 6, Episode 20|
|Air date||May 5, 2002|
|Written by||Dean Young|
|Directed by||Gary McCarver|
- "I know how dark it is for you right now; curled up, lying in your own emotional vomit. You're in hell now, Boomhauer. And the only way out is through a long, dark tunnel. And you're afraid to go in, because there's a train comin' at you, carryin' a boxcar full of heartbreak. Well, let me tell you something: all you can do is let it hit you. And then try to find your legs. I know, I've taken that hit more times than I can remember. Look at me, Boomhauer: I'm fat, and I'm old, and every day I'm just gonna wake up fatter and older. Yet somehow I manage to drag this fat old bald bastard into the alley every day. I'm out there diggin' holes, fallin' into them, climbin' out, tryin' again, and tomorrow, I'm gonna hang outside at a ladies prison. And the first thing those lady cons are gonna see after 20 years? Is me. Will I get one? Experience says no. Will I be out there next month? If I'm alive you better believe it. You gotta get right back up on that tanning bed, slip into a tight t-shirt, wash off some of that cologne, and get yourself out of that tunnel and into some strange woman's bed!"
- — Bill Dauterive
Dang Ol' Love is the one hundred-twenty-fourth episode of King of the Hill. It was first aired on May 5, 2002. The episode was written by Dean Young, and directed by Gary McCarver. Laura Linney guest stars.
It is a bright and sunny morning in Arlen, Texas and the scene transitions to the inside of the Hill household where Hank, Peggy, and Lady Bird all sleeping with the other in content. Then, at Boomhauer's residence, it can be seen that Boomhauer is sleeping peacefully with the Ice Cream Lady, presumably after a night of passion together. Then, the scene then transition to Bill, whom is currently hanging out by the alley, having a cold beer by his lonesome. Bill then looks at the watch, and as he looks at the road again, only the newspaper boy comes by, tossing various newspapers at houses. Bill asks the young man if he would like to hang out at the alley until his friends awaken from their slumber, and the young man replies back that he is busy working as he continues riding down the road on his bike.
So, Bill is once again left alone to his own devices until his eye happens to catch a woman jogging down the alley. As Bill is breath-taken by this jogger, she notices him admiring her and she gives him a smile of acknowledgement back as she continues running down the alley. The next thing Bill does is declare that he has met a woman to the Hill residence and shouts this declaration out to Boomhauer, whom is roused from his slumber by Bill's declaration. When he turns over, Boomhauer is surprised that the Ice Cream Lady is still there and she stayed because she was planning to make him breakfast come sunrise. However, Boomhauer merely tells her that it would not be necessary, giving excuses such as he had a hang-glider lesson and that he had to tutor a blind kid for the Special Olympics, much to the Ice Cream Lady's dismay.
Bobby is then seen waking up and is pouring himself a cup of coffee when he notices the Ice Cream Lady's truck right outside Boomhauer's residence, so he asks for $1.50 for ice cream from his parents, to wit Hank replies that the Ice Cream Lady, whom he calls the "Mrs. Dippy Cone Lady", is currently not on duty and that she's busy dating with Boomhauer at the moment. Bobby only replied that would give him an advantage since he could even get to know the Ice Cream Lady on a personal level and he runs off to buy ice cream. Peggy then grouses about Boomhauer's dating choices and wishes that he would date someone intelligent, like a congresswoman so she could get her law passed.
Bill then recaps to his friends about the events of what happened that morning, but beca use they have never seen the woman that Bill is currently describing, they only think that she is a figment of Bill's imagination, much like his imaginary friends were. Bill retorts that they were far more supportive than his actual friends and runs off. Dale then says that Bill didn't hear what his imaginary friends were saying behind his back. Bill then asks Peggy for a coffee cup for the jogger that he met earlier that morning. Just like the guys, Peggy doesn't seem to buy his story as she pantomimes giving Bill a coffee cup after cleaning it. Bill then takes Bobby's mug and runs out the door.
Bill tries again with the story of the jogger the next morning by saying that he had coffee with her as well. Once again, his friends dismiss him as just imagining the jogger. This time, however, Bill has proof to corroborate his story: he recorded the event in question as proof this woman exists. Hank then reminds Bill of him falling in love with someone else before this jogger lady, but that didn't make the jogger his girlfriend. Bill retorts that maybe in a perfect world, both he and Hank could be married to Peggy, but as it was real life, he did have to find someone to love.
As Bill is walking away from the alley, Dale finally decides to help Bill win this jogger's heart by "tending to her wounds she gets from tripping on a hole in the alleyway that Bill had dug". Bill responds that he never did anything of the sort, so Dale decides to break it down for Bill by saying that 20 potholes would be dug in the alley's road, she would stumble and fall on one of them, Bill would then come to her aid and he would win her affection.. After explaining it to him, Hank cuts in and says that the divorcee has enough problems without the woman suing him for such an action and Boomhauer agrees that it's a bad idea and instead, he suggests that Bill should be flirtatious towards her.
It is then that Boomhauer hears the familiar jingle of the Ice Cream Truck that the Ice Cream Lady rides and he then decides to take cover from her, asking Hank to lie for him by saying he moved away. Hank then says he's not much of a liar as the I.C. Lady approaches and inquires about whether or not that "Boomhauer has returned from his safari." Hank then tries to lie for Boomhauer, and is about to rat Boomhauer out unintentionally until Dale lies for Boomhauer by saying that he moved to Denver. The Ice Cream Lady drives away in sadness as Bobby tries futilely to chase after her for ice cream as she drives away and tries to call for her.
Luanne then tells Bobby that she will not ever return to Boomhauer's and Luanne tries to explain to him that Boomhauer is a womanizer in a subtle way: that he doesn't prefer to be tied down to one woman, using ice cream as an example. Bobby then says, not getting the point, that he can have different flavors of ice cream everyday as he's dating the ice cream lady. Luanne then very bluntly explains what they've been doing and that Boomhauer has abandoned her. Thus, Bobby no longer has access to easy ice cream. Later that night, Dale and Bill are busy setting up the trap of potholes in the alley's road. Dale mentions how great it will be once the female jogger and Bill are a couple. Bill reminds him about Hank and Peggy, but Dale simply responds that he's run out of things to say to her.
The next morning, Bill is ready for action and as predicted in Dale's plan, the jogger happens to wind up tripping over a pothole in the road. Bill tries to go tend to the jogger's wounds, but he winds up falling and stumbling into his own trap. Boomhauer happens to hear the noise from outside, and the next time Bill looks up, Boomhauer is seen picking the woman up as he lifts her up to treat her injuries and Bill tries to beg in vain for her to come back, only for Boomhauer and the jogger to walk into his house, leaving Bill by his lonesome. Dido's Thank You can then be heard as Bill mourns his lost opportunity, evades an incoming car, and cries on the grass.
Later, Bill is then treating his own injuries as Dale believes that the jogger and Bill had quite the night together. Bill only gripes about his failed chance at getting this woman to Boomhauer, saying that Bill would have given the jogger the same amount love-making that Boomhauer did. The jogger is then escorted to a taxi by Boomhauer and they drive away as he tells the driver to put it on his tab. Bill and Boomhauer then proceed to have an argument about what had recently occurred, but not before Bill winds up tripping over his own trap again due to his inability to watch where he's going. As they argue, Hank comes out and says that Bobby is trying to take a nap. This incident now puts a strain on Bill and Boomhauer's friendship.
As they are busy refilling the potholes, the jogger then arrives in a Jaguar. Just like he did with the Ice Cream Lady, Boomhauer again asks Hank to lie for him and say that he has moved to Denver. As the woman pulls up, Dale compliments her car and Boomhauer pops his head up from the fence and compliments her car. Bill then takes this opportunity to introduce himself and ask for some of the woman's hair for his collection and Hank worriedly asks what Bill is doing. Bill then replies he is flirting, only for Hank to shake his head in response. The woman seems to ignore Bill and says to Boomhauer that she did not know he liked classic cars and the only thing she knew about him is that he was ticklish. Boomhauer then asks for her to make him laugh as they decide to pull up to his home. Dale cheers Boomhauer on while apologizing to Bill. Bill begs for Dido not to be playing again, but much to his dismay, Dido's Thank You can be heard once more playing as Bill cries out in disappointment. Dale and Hank continue drinking beer as Bill cries out his frustrations.
Meanwhile, inside the Hill residence, Peggy is chatting with Bobby about running into a guy and as Hank walks in, she prepares to repeat the story again, much to Bobby's annoyance and then proceeds to exit the room before griping about the Ice Cream Lady and having to walk 8 blocks just to get ice cream. Hank tries to make light of this situation with a joke about Boomhauer dating the "aspargus lady", and he does not get a single laugh from Peggy as opposed to a glare and a void of awkward silence. When he tries to explain the joke, the situation escalates and Peggy asks if Hank thinks Boomhauer's skirt-chasing ways are a joke to him, asking him if that was how Hank got his kicks. Hank denies that, of course, and tries to salvage the train-wreck by saying he loved Peggy. Peggy only leaves Hank alone with his dirty thoughts.
Later that night, at the Sugarfoot's Restaurant, Boomhauer and Marlene are busy eating dinner together and having a chat and it seems as if she can barely understand him. When Boomhauer is about to call for shots at her request, Marlene seductively licks his finger and Boomhauer then proceeds to dip his fingers in the sauce. They then decide to head to Marlene's home and proceed to sleep with the other.
The next morning, Boomhauer wakes up to find that Marlene is not at his bedside, but rather she is getting ready for work at what appears to be an office job. Marlene simply tells Boomhauer to help himself to some orange juice, grab a bite to eat, swim or whatever tickled his fancy and requests that he activate the alarms on the way out. Marlene blows him a kiss and walks out. Boomhauer walks around, inspects her room: finding a punching bag, pictures revealing her to be a horseback rider in her youth, and then proceeds to call Hank, Dale, and Bill over for a swim and grilling.
Hank and his friends, sans Bill, are now in the pool in their swimming trunks and Hank operates a remote-controlled grill, impressed with the technology and Dale congratulates him on what is one of the best affairs he's ever had. Bill comes out of the master bathroom, which "he should have been the master of", and is apparently still at odds with Boomhauer over what happened with Marlene, shows Boomhauer a pair of lacey, pink panties. Boomhauer and Bill then fight over the panties and Bill is then pushed into the swimming pool. Bill then angrily complains that he could have been electrocuted as his watch is digital and decides to completely sever his and Boomhauer's friendship, something Boomhauer is more than happy to do. When Hank asks if Boomhauer is being serious with this woman, it turns out the playboy has more than just lust for Marlene as he cannot give a coherent answer, and Marlene walks up asking the men what they were doing at her home.
After Boomhauer tries to explain his case, Hank and the group are seen leaving Marlene's manor sans Boomhauer. Boomhauer then comes up to Marlene as she prepares some martini and gives her a hug, but it appears that Marlene does not reciprocate to Boomhauer's affection; in fact, she looks as if she's rather tired of having him around and asks if he forgot something. Boomhauer then decides to leave Marlene's home, to give her some space.
At the alley, it appears that Boomhauer has indeed started harboring romantic feelings for Marlene as he is desperately pleading for her to return his phone calls and appears to have completely ignored what Hank and Dale were discussing about, being too consumed by love to care and starting to feel the sting of what other females have felt from him: being used and abandoned. It has been two days ever since he left her place and Boomhauer is starting to get desperate and Hank tells him it used to be like that with him and Peggy in an attempt to make Boomhauer feel better. Boomhauer then admits to Hank and Dale that he has fallen in love with Marlene; for once, it seems Boomhauer wanted more than to just sleep with Marlene and leave her the following day.
Boomhauer then decides to go see his grandmother, "Meemaw" Boomhauer, and tell her the good news: that he's finally in love with someone and is certain that he wants to marry her. After they talk for awhile about this, Boomhauer is then given his grandmother's wedding ring to give to Marlene: a beautiful silver ring with a diamond on the top.
When Boomhauer gets to the door, he rings the doorbell and Marlene looks rather surprised to see him at her door again. Boomhauer is shown to be down on one knee, explaining to Marlene that he cannot live another minute without her at his side and that his love for her was just like the ring: no beginning and no end. Marlene then decides to come clean in that she does not really understand what Boomhauer says to her, at least half of what he says at the most, and she admits that she does not care about him at all; the sex was more interesting to her than Boomhauer himself. Boomhauer then decides to ask Marlene to be his wife, something she definitely understood with her shocked reaction to that question. Boomhauer then sees for himself that another man, Steven, mistakes Boomhauer for a pizza man without the pizza and is being affectionate towards Marlene.
Boomhauer appears to be shocked, sorrowful, and heartbroken all at once now that dreams of a happy life with her have been utterly dashed, and tries to mask his pain with a forced smile and give her one last goodbye, telling her there were plenty of other women who he'd be happy with. As soon as he turns his back and enters his car, playing Barracuda at full blast on the radio, Boomhauer does a very good job of hiding his despair until leaves Marlene's life for good and unintentionally hitting her mailbox. Boomhauer is now experiencing the kind of karma he'd sewn; what it is like to be on the receiving end of a "love 'em and leave 'em" attitude that he had put so many women before Marlene through. Boomhauer is seen weeping hysterically as he drives his way home.
Back at the alley the next day, Boomhauer is seen weeping hysterically and begging Marlene to talk to him, refusing to believe that she had dumped him for good. On Marlene's end at her job, Boomhauer is pretty much considered a laughingstock as he was put on speakerphone. Bill happily points that out, knowing that laughter on the other end all too well, and taunts a heartbroken Boomhauer in revenge for getting to Marlene first. Boomhauer is even far too depressed to retaliate, let alone drink his beer, with Dale having to open the can for him and is barely able to take a sip before Boomhauer starts weeping over his lost love.
Hank tries to cheer Boomhauer by telling him to get his mind off of Marlene and tell the guys the time Boomhauer went out to get some new batteries which lead to him meeting a girl at the Radio Shack. Boomhauer then starts to explain his story about his Norelco shaver had died so he had went to get some AAA batteries. It seems like Hank's idea works for a moment until Boomhauer is once again consumed by despair in that Marlene will never reciprocate his love for her and devastation over being denied marriage, unable to finish his tale. Bill then mentions that Karma has finally caught up to Boomhauer and now Boomhauer knew now every woman he dated who was in love with him felt: forsaken and in heartache. Bill is also enjoying every second of Boomhauer's misery, and again, Boomhauer is too saddened to even retaliate, so all he can do is just walk away.
In Hank's home, Peggy is surprised that Bill is picking on Boomhauer again, not having done that since Bill had hair on his head. Dale then mentions that this situation needed to be tended to, as according to him, the alley used to be balanced between "a cool married and single guy and a loser single and married guy." Dale is likely alluding to Bill and Hank being the losers and him and Boomhauer being the cool ones, but now the alley consisted of only one cool married guy and three losers. Hank tells Dale to go and sign out with Nancy because they were going to find another woman to ease Boomhauer's broken heart. Peggy initially refuses the idea, but when Hank mentions the consequences of not doing this deed for Boomhauer; Boomhauer eventually becoming just like Bill, a sad, lonely shell of a man who still weeps over his former lover, Peggy is quick to change her mind and give them her car keys.
As Hank and Dale drive around town with a depressed Boomhauer, Hank asks where women would gather frequently, but Boomhauer is still too consumed by grief over Marlene to think about other women. When Hank tries to hook up Boomhauer with a crossing guard woman, he is able to successfully lead Boomhauer to her and proceeds to wait for them in the car. As she and Boomhauer approach, Hank tells Dale to fake sleeping so they could make out, but nothing of the sort happens. Instead, the crossing guard is utterly sympathetic to the broken man's plight, advising Hank and Dale that Boomhauer should be at home and in bed "after what that witch did to him, turning down his grandma's ring." Boomhauer only lies down on the back seat of the car and goes back to weeping, the quest to help Boomhauer ease his pain a complete bust.
When they drop off Boomhauer at his home then prepare to leave the womanizer to grieve in his bed, Bill has seen what had taken place earlier. Not wanting Boomhauer to have to go through the same thing that Bill does day in and day out, weeping for someone he'll never be able to love again and who doesn't love him. Rather than let his former friend go through that kind of painful suffering and drown in his own misery, Bill barges in, scoops up Boomhauer in his arms and runs outside for a chat regarding the current situation. Hank and Dale leave, but Dale turns on the switch that activates Dido's Thank You by accident.
Later that night, Boomhauer is still wallowing in pain over Marlene. This leads to Bill telling Boomhauer this: he knows exactly what Boomhauer is going through at this very moment, being too scared to move on and face the music that Marlene never really loved him to begin with. However, all Boomhauer can do at this point is just that: move on and just let the heartbreak settle. Bill then tells Boomhauer that while he's not as good looking or lean as Boomhauer is, at least he has enough moxie to deal with the heartbreak and hang outside a lady prison for women who were recently being released the next day because Bill has no incentive to give up. Bill then encourages Boomhauer to completely forget about Marlene, get back in his tanning booth, wash himself, and get into a strange woman's bed. From this point on, it seems Bill and Boomhauer are once again friends.
The next day, he decides to go right a wrong he had caused to a woman from earlier, that woman in question being the Ice Cream Lady, and tells his friends he'd do that rather than skirt-chasing. True to his word, Boomhauer walks up to the woman's door and she calmly tells him that she thought he'd never see his face again. In layman's terms, Boomhauer basically says that he has full understanding of what it is like to be used, forsaken, and experience the awful sting of it, having walked a mile in her shoes (including the shoes of the other women he had hurt with his womanizing) and for the first time, he apologizes to the woman whose heart he'd broken. Realizing that being lovers is now out of the equation, Boomhauer offers to be only friends with her, which the Ice Cream Lady accepts with a smile and handshake.
At the women's correctional facility, Bill is hanging around, waiting to meet a lady ex-con. One comes up to him and Bill asks if he can offer the ex-con a ride home, and she accepts his offer by snatching the keys and walking to his car. Bill asks what she was convicted for as the credits roll, and she responds gruffly that she had murdered her boyfriend. Bill asks if that means she is single, which is basically yes, and the episode ends.
- Hank Hill
- Peggy Hill
- Bobby Hill
- Luanne Platter
- Dale Gribble
- Jeff Boomhauer
- Bill Dauterive
- Ice Cream Lady (cameo)
- Marlene (cameo)
- Steven (cameo)
- Crossing Guard (cameo)
- Meemaw (cameo)
- Nancy Gribble (mentioned)