|A Man Without a Country Club|
|Season 6, Episode 15|
|Air date||April 14, 2002|
|Written by||Kit Boss|
|Directed by||Kyounghee Lim and Boohwan Lim|
Tankin' It to the Streets
Beer and Loathing
SynopsisThe guys want to golf, but the public course is overbooked, due to the surge in demand for golf as Tiger Woods has come to Texas. After the guys set up a make-shift golf course in the alley, Hank is asked by Ted Wassanasong to join the exclusive all-Asian Nine Rivers Country Club, enraging a highly envious Kahn. The country club desired to hold the PGA Golf Tour with Tiger Woods, but the PGA would only operate at Nine Rivers if they had at least one non-Asian member. At first Hank is surprised with his membership offer in an all-Asian club, but then chalks it up to the membership chairman appreciating his good golfing and that ethnicity was not a factor. Ted and other Nine Rivers officials are extrememly welcoming to Hank, even putting Alamo Beer on tap just for him.
At a banquet held at the country club, Hank becomes suspicious of overly generous gestures to him that were not extended to Khan, seeing is how they were both new members. Hank's suspicions prove correct when he sees a raffle was rigged for him to win a round of golf with Tiger Woods, causing Ted to confess the truth. After Ted gets a basic question about Hank selling propane incorrect, Hank realizes he was being used and declines membership, causing Khan's membership nomination to be voided. It is unknown if the PGA refused to host their tournament at 9 Rivers on account of Hank's refusal to join.
KAHN: The fourth hole. Signature hole at Nine Rivers. From the tee, a deep ravine separates the golfer from a two-tiered zoscia grass green. The green is jealously guarded from behind by native marsh lands, and in front by bunkers which encircle it like a string of rare pearls. No wonder this 175-yard masterpiece can become either a portrait of frustration or one of unequalled joy. -- Dream over, rednecks! Time to return to putt-putt nightmare!
MINH: Nine Rivers turn us down six times already. Last time they send rejection letter, we not even mail in application.
KAHN: I'm tired of feeling like rare orchid growing from pile of dung that is this alley.
DALE: What happens if my tee shot lands on a bird's back and he carries it out of bounds but then is attacked by a larger bird who grabs the ball and drops it in the hole? Is that still a hole in one? 'Cause that's how I'm gonna play it.
HANK: Dangit, Dale, it already happened once, what are the odds of it happening again?
HANK: Don't mind if I -- oh, you probably didn't realize this, but this is Cuban. I'll just go ahead and destroy it for you.
TED: Looks like Nine Rivers has finally found its white guy.
CINDY: Looks like you got the best one of the lot, too.
TED: Yes, there's no two ways about it. He's super white!
DALE: If I'm gonna play at a fancy-smancy club like Nine Rivers, I better go sew a pom-pom to the top of my hat.
TED (in Chinese, subtitled): "This is Hank Hill. He's white. He'll make a fine addition to the club."
MR. HO (in Chinese, subtitled): "I'll be the judge of that."
HANK (aside to Kahn): What are they saying?
KAHN: How should I know? They're speaking Chinese. I look Chinese to you?
HANK: Pinch me, Mr. Ho.
HANK: I don't really know anyone here.
KAHN: Oh, but you will. Hank, everyone at Nine Rivers come from different places: Laos, China, Vietnam, Cambodia, Singapore, Malaysia, Thailand, South Korea. But we all have one thing in common: our love of golf. Join us, brother.
TED: Think about it, Hank. Talk it over with your wife Peggy and son Bobby, age thirteen.
PEGGY: All right, Hank, what I'm about to say is not politically correct, but here goes. This whole thing seems odd.
TED: If I had a daughter, this is where she would marry your son.
PEGGY: Hank, I'm not sure, but I think we are gods to them.
TED: Hank, I will admit I first asked you to join because you are white. Now I'm asking you to join because you are you. My friend.
HANK: Can I ask you just one more question? What and what accessories do I sell for a living?
TED: Tractors? (Hank shakes his head. Dissolve to Hank's lawn, the next day.)
DALE: ...To be fair, you used to sell tractors.
HANK: Yeah, but Ted didn't know that.
HANK: I'm sorry, Kahn, but I couldn't stay there. I just didn't feel comfortable. That's why I left Jeans West, that's why I don't bowl on Tuesday nights, and... oh, forget it. You wouldn't understand.
KAHN: Oh, yeah, you right. I always feel comfortable everywhere I go. You know, my original name is Smith. I just change it to Souphanousinphone when I move to Texas!
MINH: Breathe in the tranquility. Breathe out the frustration. You're in a better place than Nine Rivers.
KAHN: Aaargh! There is no place better than Nine Rivers! This is it? This is the rest of our lives? Maybe I divorce you and marry someone who's already a member!
KAHN: "Rainey Street Country Club?"
HANK: Dues are a six-pack every eighteen holes. What do you say?
KAHN: I accept your offer. And as new member, I propose we kick Dauterive out. Hahahaha! (to Bill) Seriously, you're on the bubble.